What it feels like to love yourself (really)

1. You find yourself smiling for no reason.
2. You’re resilient. Small things don’t really shake your sense of who you are anymore.
3. You stop taking things so personally.
4. Jealousy begins to fall away. You feel genuinely happy for others, and know that abundance is all a around.
5. You have faith that life is guiding you to where you’re meant to be.
6. You start to wonder if maybe life is a little bit magical, maybe you’re a bit magical too.
7. You listen to your gut. You trust yourself and your judgements.
8. You allow yourself to set boundaries that are right for you.
9. You embrace the things that make you different.

Gratitudes #22

Today I’m thankful for the end of the retrograde… And:

1. Im so grateful for all of the tools I’ve learned through my path to personal growth. I needed them yesterday, and they really helped snap me out of a spiral of nerves and self doubt. Yesterday I relied on meditation, some of Caroline Zwick’s video content, the Just Fucking Eat It kick-off call (I love this name so much), and my “thank you” and “I love and approve of myself” mantras. Louise Hay is a godsend.
2. A good, productive day of work.
3. An amazing call with mind body green for work- a potential partnership that melds my passions and work!
4. Helping my cousin with her college essays.
5. Delicious leftovers to look forward to, having gotten my apartment in order a bit last night.
6. Taylor Swift’s new album- I love it so!
7. I’m trying to cut way down on my caffeine intake as an experiment – today was breezy. I’m proud.
8. Painted nails
9. Amazon prime… Seriously placed like 5 orders today.
10. My goggles for my Halloween costume got shipped to the correct address after a lot of Etsy rigamarole… So I’m very relieved.
11. So many happy fun things to look forward to for the rest of the week!
12. Really nice weather today.

Hope you’re having a blissful week post retrograde.
X

An experiment in “Love Bombing.”

spreadloveToday I started day 1 of a new three day energy experiment (an e-cubed moment, see this earlier post for reference) focused on the power of spreading love. The idea is the more love you dedicate toward others, both en mass and individually, the more loved you will feel back by the world. Love breeds love breeds happiness. It can even change your most difficult of relationships.

I’ve seen this work first-hand with a coworker I was having difficulty with. The moment I decided to stop struggling and start killing with kindness, I experienced a huge shift in how we related to one another. I stopped noticing all of the negative, and she started to soften almost overnight. Based on that experience alone, I’m totally on board for this experiment.

For the next three days, I’ve signed on to basically be a pseudo “love-bomber,” spreading love and kindness wherever I go. What does this mean?
I will be…
1. Posting little happy love notes where ever I go. Really. I already have a post it pad of bunches of words of kindness ready to go. I’m not the most covert, but I’m up for the challenge. [if you are inspired by this and need some samples, check these out here.].
2. Looking for moments to say something kind to friends, family, coworkers, or really anyone!

3. Going out of my way to think only kind thoughts about people who I might not have the smoothest of relationships with (like in my co-worker example).

I’ll be back with an update later this week, but so far it’s been pretty uplifting to spread little post its around. If you see any on an NJ Transit train today or tomorrow, it’s probably me.

x

 

 

Bliss Beats: Gorgon City

I’m so excited to share this album! I found Gorgon City a few months ago, and my first thought was, where have these guys been all my life? Since then, I’ve been patiently waiting for their new album (and to see them live in NYC). Luckily, October has been blessed with both of these occurrences.

They remind me of Duke Dumont, in that their songs are super jammy, groovy, and have really great vocal hooks. They collaborate with tons of awesome artists too. Exhibit A: Jennifer Hudson.

Check out “Unmissable” to start, and bliss out.

x

Fighting the Mean Bitch: Where I get really honest about body image

It’s no secret that as women, we all have a chip on our shoulders about our body image. Some chips are larger than others, and mine have been gargantuan at times. I’ve worked really, really hard to get to a healthy place with how I feel about my shape and size, and I would say at this point, I’m happy with who I am and how I look 85% of the time. But, that other 15% can be BRUTAL.

Most of the time that 15% comes into play when I’m feeling out of balance. When I’m tired, I suffer. As much as I like to go out and socialize as much as possible, if I don’t give myself at least one night of me time and lots of rest, I feel out of sorts and less well equipped to fight the anxiety monster. The bottom line: when I’m cranky, I criticize myself. Sometimes it’s really hard to maintain the balance, especially when I’m feeling pulled in 100 directions and don’t want to let anyone, or myself, down. But taking a step back is crucial. And if I don’t, I end up in a bad spiral, with that Mean Bitch in my Brain singing a chorus of “oh my goodness, my stomach looks bloated” or “oh man, I really need to put in a harder work out, I’ve been too easy on myself” or “my arm looks SO FAT in that picture!” And with that soundtrack playing, it’s almost impossible to feel good about yourself.

I’ve come a LONG, LONG way. I exercise, but in moderation. I don’t beat myself up when I miss a day at the gym. I speak kindly to myself, with loving eyes, as much as possible. I don’t worry about dieting, but I integrate healthy foods that make me feel nourished without restricting myself entirely. I take time to be active in ways I enjoy, without a rigid “30 minute” limit: citibike, long walks, and soul cycle are three of my favorites. I fight the urge to compare my body to others. And I feel good, most of the time. But, every once in a while, I fall back into the Mean Bitch soundtrack. Last week was one of those once in a whiles.

Luckily, I was able to mostly shake it off, but I did notice something this morning that I think can be a helpful tool for women having an “I feel fat and I don’t know how to stop criticizing myself” day, week, month, or even moment.

I’m in the midst of an E-cubed experiment that focuses on changing our tune when we wake up in the morning. If you haven’t read E-squared or E-cubed, I highly encourage it! The books are an amazing example of the power we all possess, and our innate capacity for miracles. So today, I was extra mindful of my wake up routine — and I noticed something KIND OF AWFUL. Each morning before getting in the shower, I do a quick “how do I look” evaluation on my body. I check to see how bloated I feel, how flat my stomach is looking that day, & anything else that I might be concerned about.

What I realized: Basically, I’m starting each day reinforcing my fears and concerns about weight gain. I’m continually emphasizing a limiting belief that skinniness is fleeting and can change at any moment, from one day to the next. And, I can tell you that the days I’m looking at myself with fear in my eyes, I’ll find something to feel bad about. Why would I want to set the tone for my entire day this way?

Today, I instead started my day by saying “Thank You.” I put on one of my favorite happy jams (“Classic” by The Knocks), I danced in the shower, I sang, I pumped my fists. I celebrated the joy of the day. And, I did my best to not feel the need to look in the mirror and make sure I hadn’t gained 5 pounds overnight.

And I can tell you that today I feel like myself. I feel grateful, I feel fit, and I feel comfortable and happy.

And that’s about as much as I can hope for.

The bitch has been silenced.

x

Digging deep for the Lesson

One of my favorite things about the self work I’ve been doing is trying out all of the little tools and tid bits that many authors/experts share. It’s pretty empowering and awe inspiring to put one into action and see results, to really start to feel a shift. Even those that at first sound silly or daunting or even impossible can make a difference. It starts with being brave, letting go of judgements, and jumping in.

Today’s post is about one of the tools I picked up at the Mastin event a little over a week ago. Mastin spoke about how often when something bad or even something unsatisfactory happens to us, we tend to fall into the classic question: Why. Why is this happening to me, why would he/her/they do this to me, why would God let this happen? But these questions only leave us feeling victimized, and perpetuate a circle of negativity, lack, and the idea that we are not in control of our lives.

Instead, Mastin suggests to look for the lesson in the harder moments of our lives. Shifting from the victim from the empowered: what is the universe teaching me? What can I learn from this? What am I gaining?

This really resonated with me because it was a tool that I had employed once before with great results. Caroline, my life coach guru, suggested that I flip the switch on my internal dialogue about being heart broken and instead put together a list of all of the things I gained from the experience. I did just that, and really found it to be transformational— it helped me to start to let go of the helplessness and the anger, and start to look for the positive in the experience, to feel hope. At the time, it hadn’t yet come full circle that this was a tool I could use in every day life. I thought it was just something to help me release my ex. Now, I understand it can be applied to most situations to help maintain the gentle hum of faith.

So, with that in mind, I’d like to apply this tool to my previous blog post.

For a bit of background, a little over a week ago I had to travel to LA for work. LA is where I fell in love with my ex, and that experience is really the only context I have for that city. It was tough to be back there, flooded with memories that I really miss. I found myself in my hotel room that night, exhausted and sad, wondering why I was facing this experience at this moment. We had broken up a year ago almost to the day. I had worked so hard on myself, on moving on and growing forward in more ways than one. I couldn’t help but ask myself: why am I still here? Why do I still feel sad? Why am I unable to move on? Why couldn’t those wonderful experiences of my past still be in my present life?

What’s amazing: you ask for the lesson, and the universe gives it to you.

I was writing this post with the intention of working through what I thought the lesson could be, hoping that it would eventually come to me. Instead, the universe delivered a nail on the head lesson.

I ran into my ex today outside of my apartment, after a year of never having a run in in our neighborhood.

The lesson, after that, was pretty clear: I’m ready. I’m strong, I’ve grown into a really happy person, living a life that I love. And it isn’t dependent on another person, it’s dependent on me. I’ve got a good story to tell these days, and I’m no longer looking to fill voids with someone else’s accomplishments. The areas in my life in which I felt most inadequate were areas were my ex really shined, in many ways I was so proud to be with him because it helped me to fill up the places where I needed filling. Where I wished my life could be better. Now, I realize that I was never inadequate in those areas at all, and that what I have is more than enough. I’ve realized that I’ve been the person I wished I was all along, I possess the qualities that I so admired in him too.

So while it’s hard to be reminded of loving memories and feelings because I still really want these things, the truth is, the sadness is no longer tied to him. It’s the sadness of missing the experience of falling in love. And that’s an experience that I have full faith I will have again in life. In a way that is bigger than I could imagine.

One year later & facing my fears

Last night, I went to a workshop hosted by Mastin Kipp as part of the launch of his new book, Growing in Grace. I’ve been following his “blog”/spiritual guidepostings called Daily Love for a few months now, and thought it would be a good opportunity to see one of my many teachers speak in person. And, as these things tend to, the themes were right on point for what was going on in my life.

Mastin spoke a lot about the power of pulling through your fear, of being brave and moving through discomfort towards growth. The kind of growth that changes you and moves you closer to your calling. He says fear is part of the human experience, not something to be suppressed but to be sought out as a way to push ourselves further than we ever thought possible. As it turns out, today I am facing one of my fears. I am back in Los Angeles after a heartbreaking, challenging, demanding and inspiring year.

LA is where I fell in love. For me, it is a keeper of beautiful memories, where the impossible was made possible, my wildest dreams turned into reality, and where I found luck I’d never thought I could deserve. It’s a bit painful to live in those memories even now. In honesty, I’ve been petrified to come back.

So, one year later, after all of the life changing stuff that a break up brings you through… I find myself here.

I know that the universe is telling me it’s time to let go, to barrel through this fear, to make new memories and continue to forge my new life.

And as my girl Oprah says “God didn’t bring you this far just to leave you.”

I am listening. I hear you.

But, even now. My heart breaks again.

I miss it so. I miss those days, I miss falling endlessly in love, I miss feeling so damn connected and lucky. I miss the magic. And oh, was it magic. 

Even though I’m probably the happiest (uncircumstantially, anyway) I’ve ever been, I can’t quite shake that longing.

Because once you’ve had it, you know what you’re missing.

x